Wondering, Wandering, and Writing

COMING? GOING?

As I was listening during our Sunday School class yesterday, I reached up to touch my necklace.  I don’t know why.  It’s just a thing people do. But something felt weird. My sweater collar seemed …. out of place.  As soon as the men were out of the room I looked, and sure enough, there’s the tag, right in front.  No, wrongly in front.  Like most folks who’ve been to camp or lived with a bunch of people, I can fix that without taking off my sweater.  So I pulled in my arms, turned the sweater around, stopping a couple times to untangle the loose threads from my new $14.95 three-tone “gold” ring, and eventually get straightened out.

This morning while brushing my teeth I glanced in the mirror and thought, “Uh, ummm, there’s supposed to be a black triangle at the collar of this pajama shirt. What in the world? Not again.” Sigh.  Yes, again.  In less than 24 hours I put on a top backwards, not once but twice, which happens to be the only two times I changed clothes.  Hey- I’m batting 1000 at something 😊 !!

I have lived through times when I would not have been surprised that my clothes were on backwards.  I have glanced back at some calendars (yes, I am a pack rat) and thought that there is NO way on this earth we could have done all that, but we did.  Doctor appointments, dance, baseball, hospital stays (not mine), school, church activities several times a week and of course the laundry, meals, dishes, and grocery shopping took care of themselves (HA!).

But recently, thanks to government recommendations, guidelines, and mandates; the spread of a virus, fear, and uncertainty; and none of us really knowing what is safe and what isn’t, we had a very un-busy holiday season.  No family gatherings.  No parades to attend or participate in.  No Christmas program. No church-wide dinner nor small-group parties. No trips out of town. We did a number of things as a family that we enjoyed, but overall the pace was much slower and the stress much lower than any other Christmas in my life.

And NOW I wear my clothes backwards?!?!!!

So if you happen to see me in the grocery store or NP’s office and my shirt is backwards, just tap me on the shoulder and say, “Hey … Backwards Day is not until March.”

#bgwww20

Waiting for a phone call.

Waiting for an appointment.

Waiting for a test.

Waiting for a diagnosis.

Waiting for treatment.

Waiting for healing.

Waiting for a message.

Waiting for a date.

Waiting for a wedding.

Waiting for a baby.

Waiting for a good nights’ sleep.

Waiting for Christmas.

Waiting for dinner.

Waiting for gifts.

Waiting for aches to ease.

Waiting for sleep.

Waiting for sunrise.

Waiting for a check.

Waiting in line to get in the store.

Waiting at the checkout.

Waiting in the drive-thru.

Waiting for a phone call.

Waiting for a visit.

Waiting for laughter.

Waiting for a hug.

Waiting for companionship.

Waiting for love.

Waiting to live?

Living as we wait?

#bgwww20

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS!! Eh, no.

It’s that time of year.  The festivities are done, or almost, except that last hu-rah of the year on New Year’s Eve, and it’s back to the grind of everyday living.  Back to normalcy instead of excess.  Time to shed those extra holiday (or the last ten years’) pounds and get in shape.  Time to get organized and stay that way. Time to get involved in the community or spend more time with family.

Wait!  This is 2020.  There were to be no grand celebrations.  A quick look through social media reveals a different story.  Some who celebrated with their household alone still pigged out on pig and lots of trimmings and desserts.  Some who isolated have fared well; others not so much, especially mentally and emotionally.  Most of us are ready for a restart and a new direction.  What better time to head that way than New Year’s, right?

Eh, no.

Decades ago I gave up making any New Year’s Resolutions.  Before the media shared stories of how bad it can be to set your sights high in late December only to fail miserably by mid-February (or January), I had lived that process enough to give it up.  Why set myself up for failure? Besides, a resolution sounds like such a formal and binding agreement. Without a New Year’s resolution, do I stay in the same rut forever?  Oh no, not me.

Someone who is more knowledgeable about psychology and sociology can probably explain it, while I have little idea why I generally prepare for a “new start” in the spring and in the fall. I tend to credit the educational system with that tendency.  I have either been in school or had a child in school or taught in a school for over half my life.  The school year starts in the fall.  Homeschool conventions tend to be held in the spring, when you need to be deciding on curriculum for the next year.  Some things work well and you keep them; others don’t and you switch to something else.

My tendency to start things anew in the spring may have a deeper root.  I LOVE to watch the baby leaves emerge and the first grass sprout and the crocus and muscari bloom. The earth is visibly renewing and my spirit rejoices with it.

So, any New Year’s resolutions here?  Nope.  I’ll revel in the lengthening days and wait for Spring.

Now …. where’s that protein drink I should have for breakfast instead of the brownie with caramel and whipped cream?

#bgwww20

The following showed up in my Facebook memories. I wrote it five years ago.  Fifteen days after my daddy died of a heart attack, his first sign of heart trouble.  One year and three months after DSS placed our then two-year-old grandson with us, which tells you there was still a lot going on there.

“Beth, how do you do it?”

A quizzical look crossed my face. I replied, “Do what?”

“You’ve got stuff going on in your life, too, and you just breeze right through. Nothing bothers you. You’ve always got a smile on your face.”

I laughed a little, “It’s an illusion. It’s just an illusion.”

Some of you are laughing, too, because you’ve seen me when I wasn’t breezing right through. You’ve seen my feathers ruffled and may have helped smooth them, or at stayed nearby until I calmed down and saw reality instead of my fears.

As our conversation went on, I could honestly say, “I’ve been where you are. I have been there! Not exactly maybe, but pretty close.” As happens too often in our lives, the conversation was cut short, but I thought about it later. How did I get from there to here? The complete answer is long and winding and filled with ups and downs. The churchy answer is “God.” Perhaps there is a short, honest answer. This change has taken years, and involved an attentive doctor, changes in diet, nutritional supplements, thyroid and hormone medications, homeopathy, supportive friends and family, dedicated prayer group, and rest. The simplest part was the most difficult to do: to rest.

We all rest every night, right? Or at least we make an attempt. Most of us know we need rest. But how, realistically, do you sleep eight hours a night when you have a job and church commitments and friends you enjoy being around? The answer is this: you give up something. You decide that something in your life is not worth being so exhausted that you take a nap at work and don’t have the energy to do your own laundry and dishes. Since I got up around 5am to get to work, that meant I needed to be asleep by nine. O, the horror. NCIS came on at 8:00 and there was no way I could watch that and be asleep by 9:00. If a meeting ran past 7pm, I rarely went. If I did, I basically rested the next two days. Fortunately our children were about grown, otherwise I doubt that I could have even attempted to sleep eight hours. Making those changes hurt my feelings and hurt my pride. Seriously, what grown person has to be home by seven every night?!?!

Fast forward to today. I rarely sleep eight hours a night anymore. I’m lucky to sleep seven. There may be a string of days when I feel normal and say “yes” to one too many commitments. I still have to pace myself. If I don’t take it easy a day or two a week, I can see myself sliding back to where I was. I have to be aware of my physical limitations and be willing to say no.

What does this have to do with being ruffled by the winds or setting your sail to catch the breeze and go with it? Everything. Sometimes we hear the message that life is wonderful and you have no problems after you accept Christ as your savior. That is not reality. Once we’ve made that decision and the Holy Spirit dwells in us, our lives change. Sometimes those changes are pleasant, and sometimes they are not. Although the changes are positive, some people around us will doubt or ridicule or even complain. We know the birth pains of a mother in labor, but I wonder how the baby feels. Going from darkness to light; hearing muffled noises to loud, jarring sounds; and being squished through the birth canal may not be the most pleasant experience. I also think of the butterfly. The larva is content, munching along on leaves until the day it begins to form a chrysalis. It is alone and in the dark for a while, then it must fight its way out of the chrysalis and into a new freedom, no longer confined to crawling along leaves and stems but flying from flower to flower.

The bottom line is this: Change is hard. Growth is hard. Learning to set the sails instead of complaining about the wind takes practice. The good news in this? God has set the path before us, and provides guideposts for us. May we read, listen, learn, and follow in that path so that we can set our sails and smile through the journey as the wind ruffles our hair but not our spirits.

Added in 2020:

Change is hard.  This year we have ALL experienced change that we neither asked for nor wanted. I made the comment today, “I am tired of trying to be content with nothing being normal.”  However, nothing is normal.  I still have the choice to be content and find laughter when I can, or wallow in the mire of disappointments and anger. I have my moments of wallowing and crying.  Bad things will happen and harsh words will be said.  I pray we all put effort into looking for the good, lovely, admirable, true, right, excellent, praiseworthy, or noble things. 

#bgwww20