Wondering, Wandering, and Writing

Some days it’s hard to put one foot in front of the other.

There is no reason to keep going.
Everything seems futile – a chasing of the wind.

Maybe physical illness pervades your home.

A relationship is falling apart.

The laundry monster is roaring.

The kids are screaming for no known reason.

No matter what you touch, it breaks.

The phone doesn’t ring.

Or it does.

Test results are bad.

No money to pay the rent.

Or maybe the house is clean, the bills are paid, vacation is planned, and suitcases are packed.

You made a bad decision.

You were innocent but got caught in the aftermath of someone else’s bad decision.

Misunderstandings grew and vomited ill will.

Sleep eludes you.

Someone you love is dying.

Someone you want to love is lost to you, for any of a long list of reasons.

The world has gone crazy and you can’t find another sane person.

Healthy food costs too much.

Doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong.

Grief chases and envelopes you.

It’s cloudy and rainy for the umpteenth day.

Or, it hasn’t rained in two months and everything is parched.


There.is.so.much.wrong.everywhere.


There seems to be no reason to keep going.

Why put one foot in front of the other?

Just curl up, sip tea, play games.

Or do nothing.

No TV, no book, no internet, no phone.

And then, while searching for “all is vanity, a chasing of the wind”

(because it seems that ALL of life is as meaningless as chasing the wind), find

“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13)

#bgwww23

There’s this big meeting going on in New Orleans this week.  The Southern Baptist Convention, the largest evangelical denomination in the US, is holding their annual meeting.  Well, since I’m a member of an SBC affiliated church, I suppose it’s **our** annual national meeting.  Only, I’m nowhere close to New Orleans.  The last time I went through there I didn’t lose anything, and if I did, I can live without it.  Anyway, at associational, state, and the national meeting, representatives from member churches vote on a number of business items.  The SBC is generally governed from the bottom up and churches are autonomous; they can make their own rules.  However, there are reasons for a church to be expelled from the national convention.  At this national meeting, there are a few items that are serious enough to split the convention.   Some other denominations are in the midst of splitting.  At first glance, to many Christians, this is a terrible thing.

But, is it terrible?

Yes, it is terrible that people who are supposed to be recognized by their love for each other and unity absolutely cannot get along with each other.

Given the amount of disaster relief, hunger relief, and other humanitarian activities  funded by large denominations, a split could be detrimental.

However, in the end, it won’t matter.  Not in the way that really matters.

Evangelical groups are founded with the purpose of spreading the good news of salvation through Christ throughout their communities and the world.  In the process they encourage believers in their faith walk.  As groups get larger, more organization is needed.  Organization is a good thing.  The twelve tribes of Israel were organized into a nation.  When Jesus fed the 5000, he had the disciples organize the crowd into groups.  When the early church was fussing amongst itself about which widows were being cared for and which ignored, they organized a group of deacons to look after the widows so they apostles could keep on preaching instead of settling disputes.  You can see many good examples of organization around you.

However, we humans have a tendency to lose our focus.  Organization begins as a tool to achieve an objective.  After a time, maintaining the organization IS the objective.  For Christians, maintaining an organization or a tradition or a building is not the main focus.  The focus is sharing the love and restoring hope found in Jesus.  When we’ve been in the organization for a long time, it becomes very difficult to tell the difference between worshipping the organization and using the organization to lead others to worship God.  And when some open their eyes, or God opens their eyes, and they see the difference, things change.

However the votes go in New Orleans this week, whatever happens to the Methodist and Presbyterians and other national and international organizations that are struggling, the gospel will continue to be spread.  One only needs to take a look at church history to know that  great movements have had humble beginnings. 

Mmmm.  Humble beginnings.  The Great Awakenings had humble beginnings.  Perhaps coming before God, filled with humility, is where we need to be as our organizations are on the brink of crumbling.  God can feed a multitude with a basket of crumbs.

#bgwww23

With a label here and a label there

Here a label, there a label

Everywhere a label, label

Old McDonald didn’t have labels on his farm, at least not when I sang it as a child.  Or did it?  Without labels, how would we know that a cow moos, a duck quacks, and a frog ribbits?

Labels can be very helpful. When I go grocery shopping, I spend more time reading labels than anything else.  Yes, I could shop just the fresh fruits and veggies and meats, but that’s not how we like to eat.  So, I spend a good bit of time looking for red 40 dye, blue lake 1, gluten, dairy (Have you tried to buy a protein bar without whey?  If you find a good one, please let me know.), and peanuts in their many forms.   These labels are helpful to me.

Labels for people can be helpful, too.  If you’ve ever parented or been emotionally close to someone with a struggling child, you know how important it can be to get an accurate diagnosis.  The struggle can be physical, mental, emotional, educational, or a combination. An accurate label can open doors to therapies, treatments, and opportunities.  The label doesn’t change the child.  The child is exactly the same on the day you get the diagnosis as the day before the evaluation.  However, the label may change our attitude.

 I’ve seen sighs of relief: Finally! We have an explanation for the craziness we’ve been living with. 

I’ve seen denial: NO!  My child is NOT ______! 

I’ve seen confusion: How did this happen?

I’ve seen devastation: What in the world will we do now?

Usually, we all get to acceptance and dealing with whatever it is.

Sadly, I’ve also seen labels tear people apart.  I watched a church split over semantics.  How the people lived their lives day to day was the same.  What they wanted for the community was the same: they wanted to serve the needy and share the gospel.  Even though I watched it; I could hardly believe it.

Words have power to heal, guide, destroy, and lead astray.

We need to be careful to think before we speak. We need to be willing to apologize when needed.  We need to be willing to accept an apology and grant forgiveness.

I’m not sure how I got onto forgiveness when I started out talking about labels.  Hmmm.

Well, this is a low-time-for-editing day so this is how it stays. 

Y’all, be kind to one another.  Listen as much as you speak. (I know that’s hard for some of you 😀 )  Think about the meanings behind the labels you use. Perhaps when you talk with the people with whom you disagree instead of talking at them, you will find you have more in common than you think.

#bgwww23

It’s one of THOSE afternoons.

No, not the kind where I’m battling a crisis.  I’m thankful for that.

No, no one is sick.  I’m glad.

It’s not even one of those days we’re gone for twelve hours or so.  We did have one of those last week, and survived very well thanks to a little help from some friends.

It’s not one of those weeks when we have so many appointments in different towns that the dirty laundry piles up, dishes are washed as needed rather than as dirtied, and the mail stays in the box a few days.  I can handle that mess because we are so busy and tired that I can ignore it.  If I don’t see it, I can’t do anything about it.

Oh no.  It’s none of those.  This is the week that we do have some “free” time at home.  The clean laundry needs folding. I heard a kitten in the house – which is NOT supposed to happen. (It wasn’t.  The door was open a minute.)  The sink has dirty dishes.  The mail needs to be opened and dealt with.  I have plants to get into containers or the ground.  Nothing unusual about any of that.  But, added to the piles of things that are still out of place after the tree fell and a child who cannot seem to acquire enough Lego sets and a few other things I would LIKE to do, it’s a bit much.

So …… at least today I sat to write a minute instead of playing a game on the phone.  That’s my usual I-can’t-decide-where-to-start activity.

While your list isn’t like mine, I have heard a number of folks express that they feel the same.  Too much to do.  Too little time or energy or both.   There’s a zillion or so books and podcasts to tell us how to set priorities and accomplish everything we need to do.  I’ve only read a few of them.

I have now accomplished another thing on my list – to write.  How much sense it makes doesn’t really matter to me at the moment; it’s just that I’ve done it.

And now that my spaghetti thoughts are written, and the boy is tapping his toe impatiently for me to help him spend his birthday money on Amazon, perhaps I can knock out another item or two.

Oh yeah, there’s that Paper Pie party I need to do a few things about.

A side of ADD anyone?  Seems I have some extra that I can share.

#bgwww23

               .  Some are well-thought-out; others, rants.  Some are very positive; others, negative.  There’s already a lot of articles and videos about the Asbury Revival. Rather than delve into what’s happening or how genuine it is, I want you to think about a few things closer to home.

            Have you been praying for revival?  I’ve seen quite a bit on Facebook about Christians wanting revival.  Every great awakening has been preceded by months of prayer – alone and in groups.

            If revival happens in your home, your church, your community …. What will it look like?

            If you want revival – a renewal of the first joy of your salvation, a rededication to following God closely, seeing others coming to know Jesus personally – are you willing to invest in the possibility?

            Are you willing to pray?

            Are you willing to be inconvenienced?  Getting back to Asbury for a moment – can you imagine your church, school, or community being flooded with hundreds or thousands of visitors when you had made no preparations?  People need water and restrooms and food and rest.

            The following inconveniences are more likely to happen.  An acquaintance calls ten minutes before your favorite TV show starts and really needs a listening ear.  Do you listen or hang up and your show?  Your child’s classmate has only worn-out shoes.  Can you buy a pair?  Elderly people in homes – many who spent years teaching, caring for children, serving in the military, working in production or maintenance, serving in ministry – sit alone most days.  Can we spare an hour a month to listen to their wisdom? 

            Are you willing to share what you know of Jesus, his love, his redemption, and his teachings?   Videos from Asbury have gone viral.  What are the chances someone in your neighborhood has seen them?  What are the chances that a young person in your town has seen them?  If they have questions, how will you react?  Will you judge the whole event at Asbury (good or bad, depending on your view)?  Will you walk through the door the video just opened for you?  Will you grab hold of that opportunity to share the gospel?  Are you willing to take the time to nurture and guide young believers, whatever their physical age?

            I think I’ve rambled a bit.  That’s not very unusual.  And I need to wrap this up. 

            Whatever your view on the Asbury Revival, if you call yourself a Christian, believer, follower of Christ, etc., PLEASE  find a way to use the interest generated to share the gospel.  Paul’s letters remind us to be ready to give a reason for your belief and use whatever means you can to reach people with the gospel.  If the means is a video, so be it.  Share the good news.

#bgwww23

It’s been a hard day – emotionally.  Nothing significant really – no funeral or anything like that.  Just one little thing and then another.  This nagging headache isn’t helping matters any.  AND I got up tired this morning.  Later in the day I was thinking, “What’s the big deal about getting up tired?  I used to do that every day.  EVERY day.”  But, it’s been weeks, maybe a few months, since I got up this tired – the kind of tired that gives you brain fog on top of having no energy.

            Maybe this tiredness is leftovers from yesterday.  Yesterday was one of those days that looked like a pleasant, stay-at-home-a-while day.  Looked like – there’s the hint that I was not at home much. 

            A friend and I ate breakfast at Waffle House.  This was the only item on my calendar.  We ate and talked and laughed and laughed and talked 😊  We did not cry.  It was great.

            Then I took a child to the doctor about a nagging cough.  I had also noticed in the last few days that his epipen had expired, and wanted to get a new one.  Thankfully, that visit didn’t take long.

            Just before we got home, my sister-in-law called.  They were headed to ….. drum roll, please …. You guessed it! Waffle House.  Would we like to join them?  Went home, checked with husband (He said, “ no.”) and both children (They said, “ yes.”  ).  We arrived just as they were served.  The waitress said, “I’ve already waited on you once today.”  We all laughed.  Bless my sister-in-law and brother!  They took one of my errands and ran it.

            Once we were home again, it was tablet time.  Chuck and I had some cleaning to do while the boys were entertained.  We thought we had put toys and a few other things in storage.  We found out some of our son’s things were still there.  That was a bit of an emotional struggle.  (He died in October, 2018.)  But, we made it!  We saved a few things and trashed more. 

            School?  Yes, schoolwork.  We made time for paper and pencil schoolwork.  During this time I realized I had not received a text about the prescriptions being ready.  Well, duh!  They were at a new-to-him pharmacy.  Thankfully we were done in plenty of time for me to get there before they closed.  Of course I picked up a few groceries while in the store.

            Once home, we still had to get ready for co-op today.

            Of course, there were other conversations and texts.  Some were pleasant and others were stressful.

            If you’ve read this far and you aren’t tired just thinking about the activity, good for you!  If you’re wondering how I have energy to do it, I can share that another time.  For those of you with a house full of children, this sounds like a piece of cake! 😊  I admire your ability to get through the days.

            Regardless of your reaction, I hope we all can focus this evening on one of my favorite scriptures.  “His mercies are new every morning.” – the Prophet Jerimiah

            No matter how pleasant our day – or how stressful and out-of-sorts it is – God’s mercy and grace are showered on us anew every day.  Let us share that grace with those in our paths.

#bgwww23

In the new year may you

Soak up the sun and

Dance in the rain.

May you have strength for your journey

Along a path made plain.

May you overcome obstacles

And laugh again.



…… and may you find real poetry to enjoy 🙂 …..


#bgwww23

I want it to be a happy holiday.  I do.  Really. And honestly, the last few weeks I have felt better physically and been more jovial than I have in months – or years!  So many things to be thankful for.

Yet, my heart is weighed down with sadness.  I don’t know if more people in our community have died the past few months than usual, or if I’ve just known more of them.  Young people were killed in car accidents, some leaving parents and children.  Middle-aged people who struggled with chronic illness left behind parents and children.  Older folks who were more than ready to meet their maker left families who were simultaneously glad the pain was over and lonely and sad about the empty place at the table.  And whenever I learn of another parent who has buried a child, I feel a little of their grief and emptiness.   And then there’s the folks who are literally on their deathbed, with vigilant family watching over them.

Those things are in our community.  You know the national and international news – probably better than I do.  That’s enough to make you crazy or grief-stricken or something bad I don’t even know a name for.

And yesterday was just A DAY I don’t particularly want to repeat.  No one terrible thing, just a string of unpleasantness.  And on Thanksgiving Eve, at that.

Yet, there is hope.  There can be happiness.  Wherever there is Jesus, there is hope.  Where there is hope, there is some (maybe just a tiny bit) of strength to go on.  Where there is strength, you can put one foot in front of the other, or maybe pick up a phone.  When you can reach out to someone else, something mysteriously wonderful happens.  There is more strength.  There may even be a shared memory and a smile.  On very blessed days there is laughter.

And then, a bit of guilt kicks in.  How can I dare be happy when someone I really care about is no longer here?  Or will be here on this earth just a short while?  Because we can.  Because we must.  Because, whether we like it or not, death is a part of life.  Grief must be dealt with, and every one of us does it a little differently, and that is okay. 

So, on this Thanksgiving Day, if tears fall down your cheeks, let them fall.  If in spite of your pain, you smile and laugh, good for you!  Laughter is good medicine, and we all need some goodness in our lives.  If it happens that you’re having a pleasant day filled with family and good times, enjoy!  There is a time for everything.  Occasionally our heart times match up with the calendar.

Wherever you are in your journey, may you find some warmth and friendship this holiday season.

#bgwww22

Colorful leaves

Cooling temps

Hayrides

Pumpkin spice

Sweaters

Bonfires

New beginnings

Wait a minute.

Those first things are fall things.

New beginnings? In the fall?  No!!  Fall is the ending of things.  Dying leaves.  Trees that look dead.  The end of daylight.  Okay, no, not really, but the shorter days grieve my soul. New things are supposed to happen in the spring.  Or summer when the garden harvest is in full swing.  Or maybe late summer when football season starts.  But October??  New things?  I’m kidding, right?

Nope.  I am not kidding.  October, 2022.  New things.  And I am so very grateful.

Mid-month my favorite aunt, aka my “ ‘nuther’ mama,”  and I were shopping in Hobby Lobby.  I have crocheted off and on since I was too young to remember when I learned how.  I have tried a few times to knit.  I can’t do it.  Something about two needles instead of one and the coordination required made it impossible.  I mentioned that as I looked at darling patterns for — you guessed it — knitted items.  The kicker was a hat kit for children.  Each kit was just a small skein of yarn and a head of a Sesame Street character.  But I fell in love — okay, probably lust —- with them.  My dear aunt said something like, “You’re so talented in things like that.  If you try it, you’ll get it. You’ll figure it out.”  Into the buggy went two hat kits, a learn-to-knit kit which included all the paraphernalia I remember my mama having, a few extra skeins of yarn, and a pair of needles the size required for the hats.

After a few false starts, including a humorous moment when I somehow had the yarn I needed to be working with at the wrong end of the needle, I managed to knit what could be the beginning of a scarf.  It was so full of mistakes I cast off the stitches and started on something else.  But that little scrap is a new thing for me, and I am thrilled to be learning something new while I am  on the plus side of sixty.

About the same time, the fine arts time at our coop began studying basic music theory and learning how to play a simple song on the tin whistle.  This is our third year with this experience, but it is the first time I have also attempted to play to the tin whistle.  It’s fun :). 

That made two new things in October.  Maybe I’m not so very old after all.

And then the last week of the month. 

Back in August, I had mentioned to our choir director and pastor that I might be interested in filling in as pianist from time to time.  The real need was for someone to play parts during choir practice.  I can handle that, so I started attending choir practice and took home a couple books to practice.  One Sunday in October a chain of events happened that could not have been happenstance.  The end result was that our choir director knew I was willing to play on Sunday morning.  The next week he asked if I could accompany during the morning service.  Of course I said yes.  Sometime between that moment and Sunday morning, I realized that Sunday would be the fourth anniversary of our son’s death.  Suck it up, buttercup, it’s showtime! I messaged my prayer support folks and they covered me in prayer.  I don’t think I told anyone at church about the anniversary until that evening at choir practice. While playing the piano that Sunday was not a completely new thing, it was the first time I had played for a congregation since a while before our son died.  If I had realized the significance, I would have still said yes, probably after hesitating a bit.  I’m glad I said yes.  I now have a new, happy memory for that date.

So YES, Fall can be a time for new things 😊.

Enjoy the holiday season that is fast approaching.  Be brave.  Try a new thing.  Even if your heart is hurting, when another part of your heart yearns for something a little different – a different food, a new road trip, a new hobby, a new book – be brave and try.

#bgwww22

My motivation for writing “The Hand You’re Dealt” got lost in the process of thinking of some light-hearted examples.  The next statements may seem unrelated, but hopefully by the end of this you will see some connectedness among them.

No parents wake up one day and say to each other, “Why don’t we have a child with special needs?”

Families who appear to be perfect, have it all together, and are breezing through life probably have a challenge or two that 99% of the people around them don’t see.

If a stumped toe is the worst pain you’ve ever felt, it’s awful.  If you’ve had major abdominal surgery or a few broken ribs, you can laugh at how minor your stumped toe is.

If your great uncle you’ve only seen once in your life is the closest relative you’ve lost, the grief can be painful.  Until you lose a parent, a sibling, a friend you see every day, or a child.  Those are all different kinds of grief.

If the worst remarks you heard made behind your back are about how your clothes don’t match, and you care what people think, your feelings are hurt.  If you grow up and have children and see people whispering about how different a child is, remarks about clothes don’t even warrant a half a thought.

As children grow older, we expect them to communicate their needs and problems.  A number of physical and mental differences can make this difficult to impossible for some years or the child’s entire life.

Some folks park way out from the store so the car paint doesn’t get scratched.  Some parents can’t go to the store because there is no one to stay with a child and a screaming child, even one that is being cared for, is a magnet for calls to the police and DSS. 

For those who aren’t well trained and/or experienced, it can be difficult to distinguish between a child who is being abused or abducted and one that is struggling mentally, had a breakdown in the store, and the parent is simply trying to get groceries and get home.

Some “different” children are runners.  Some trust everything that everyone says.  Some can’t yell and get your attention.  Some can’t hear you calling. Anyone who has watched young children for a few days knows that they can get out of your sight for a moment no matter how diligent you are.

The point of all this is that parents, caregivers, and siblings of children who are not average/normal (I don’t even know the current politically-correct term) are playing life with a different “deck” than families of close-to-average children.  The causes of the differences are many and varied.  The challenges the families face are dependent on the causes of the differences and their support circle (if they have one). The intensity of the feeling of loss and grief vary from person to person.  What loss?  What grief?  What pain?  Think of all the milestones we expect children to meet – kindergarten graduation, playing sports, being involved in church or scouts or both, high school graduation, a decent-paying job, perhaps a wedding and grandchildren.  Some or all of those are either lost completely or greatly different than you anticipate when you first learn that in a few months you will hold a baby in your arms.  The grief and accompanying
 pain are real.

Most do share some challenges.  Scheduling anything – doctor appointments for yourself, counseling, dental check-ups, parent-teacher conferences – can be a bit challenging.  Trying to attend church or social gatherings is often more stressful than the good gained from the comradery, and the family becomes isolated.  Children can’t tell you when they hurt inside, and it can take minutes, hours, or days to figure out that the screaming is from a physical problem.  A simple dental check-up can be an ordeal.  Yeah, yeah … you just have to prepare them and find the right dentist.  That’s a great theory but it doesn’t always work that way in real life. Learning social skills can take longer than typical, so the children end up being bigger than those they can appropriately interact with.  Only then, the other children’s parents aren’t comfortable with the situation.  The fear of making mistakes is intense.  The fear of a neighbor or someone who sees you in town calling child protective services is real.  Children are tiring!!  Healthy, “normal” children can drain your energy.  Multiply that by 4 or 5 or maybe some power of ten and it’s close to how draining it can be to care for children with special needs.

So what can you do to help someone sort out the different cards in their decks?

Just be there. 

Be a friend.

 Be present.

 Be quiet.

 Be accepting. 

Bring a cup of coffee or a bottle of soda pop and sit and talk about the weather while the children play – and expect them to be strange, weird, loud, or unusually quiet. Share a gift card for gas or pizza delivery if you know those could be helpful.

 Riding along on appointments is time consuming and draining for you, but it can be helpful. 

The real key to being helpful is to listen a lot, talk none to others about it, and offer very little advice that isn’t asked for.  If you can do that, you will be a priceless gem.  I know.  I have a few of those.

#bgwww22